Dust bunnies and guilt

Let me paint a little picture for you:

I am a stay at home mom. I also work out of the home 12 hours a week as a nurse for end stage dementia patients. As much as I love my job and find it to be a gift to help my patients transition the end of their life in a peaceful and comfortable way, it is also emotionally taxing.

Outside of those 12 hours a week spent at work, I am home with my son. I homeschool him and I am the main caregiver as my husband works A LOT and sometimes he has to travel for long periods of time for his job. We don’t have much help and there are NO breaks in this house. It is non stop from sun up until sun down.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, my son has Apraxia. Apraxia is a Neurologically based motor disorder that effects speech and motor skills. For my son, his speech is severely effected and he has some motor delays along with it. He is also developmentally delayed and we were recently told that he is “developmentally equal” to a 3 year-old (he is 7).  With these diagnoses comes lots of therapeutic interventions. He has speech therapy 4 days a week, occupational therapy 3 days a week, and aqua therapy once a week. We travel for most of these appointments and we pay out of pocket for all of it.

I can’t tell you the last time I had time to myself in my home. And by that I mean time ALONE in my house. Not just time spent hiding in the bathroom with the door locked to save my sanity. Time with just myself. To sit and have a moment to collect my thoughts, enjoy a cup of HOT coffee and just recharge my soul without being called 1000 times or being pulled in a million directions. I am the type of person who needs time alone. It’s not because I don’t love the people around me, it’s just the way I am. I walk 4 miles several days a week which is also something I need to keep myself in check, but being alone in my home for a couple of hours is just so so nice.

My husband is home today and I asked him, ok, begged him to take our son to occupational therapy today. I worked last night and I am working again tonight. I just need some down time. Thankfully, he agreed!

Of course after he left I immediately felt guilty, which is just crazy because 9/10 times, I am the one doing the therapy shuffling. Anyone who has to bring their child to these types of appointments on a regular basis understands how exhausting it can get. This morning I was the child kicking and screaming “I don’t want to go”!! And while I am being honest, I have many moments when I want to just stop all of the therapies and just allow nature to take it’s course. Today is one of those days. As I sat with my hot cup of coffee surrounded by dust bunnies because I haven’t taken the time to clean my house, I cried. Not because I am sad, but because I am exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Probably because I allow guilt to take over ALL OF THE TIME.  Guilty because I feel like I don’t spend enough time with my son. I feel guilty for going back to work. I feel guilty because my husband and I never spend time together. I feel guilty because I missed putting my son to bed last night and will again tonight. I feel guilty because I have days when I want to run away. And I feel guilty for feeling guilty! Yep. Basically, I am a hot mess.

So here I am, writing this blog. I should be cleaning the dust bunnies and catching up on the mile high laundry pile that is starring at me as I type.  For now I am doing something for myself, so I can recharge, be a good mom, a good wife, and a better version of me.

If you are feeling tired and overwhelmed, find some time for yourself if you can. Even if it’s only for 10 minutes locked in your bathroom with the door locked. We all need a moment of peace. Grab it and don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about it.

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