When Hope Hurts

 

Last week was filled with lots of tears, BIG emotions, hugs, and space. Space to allow Talan to let out those big emotions. Hugs to remind him that it is OK to feel those big emotions and not know what to do with them. Tears, because there is not a single thing I can do to make it better. Tears, because I know this is how it will always be for my son. He will always struggle to communicate to others and be understood, and he will KNOW that others don’t understand him. Tears, because I know the way I felt when he was 3 year’s old, and I thought he would outgrow everything and catch up to his pears, those feelings are gone.

Gosh it feels awful saying those words and putting them out there. AWFUL! But, it’s my world and it’s an honest place I’ve come to. I feel like it’s too painful to keep wishing he would “catch up”. It’s too painful to hold onto that hope, and continue to be reminded that he is just as far behind now at age 9.5 as he was at age 3. It’s a slap in the face and just too much to hold onto. For for now, the dreaming of him catching up just needs to be placed somewhere deep deep down so it won’t hurt any more.

I know I will bounce back and not feel so down in the dumps, but for this season I am in, Hope just hurts.

 

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