Toilet paper, facecloths, and maxi pads oh my

My sweet boy, you are getting so big. You are 11 years-old now and so many changes are happening to you and around you.

We are in the middle of a pandemic and stuck at home more than ever this past year, it is also winter and we haven’t been outside as much as you would like. You LOVE being outdoors (just like your mom). It’s your space to be free and not surrounded by walls or limitations. It’s your space to run around and move your body the way it needs. It’s your space to explore, to see, feel, and experience the world around you.

Your world is so open and beautiful. You love to make messes and water is your best friend.

You love ALL THE GLUE and rubbing it on any surface because you love how it feels against your hands.

You love stacking things and knocking them over to watch them crash.

You love hitting baseballs off of your Tee for hours and I always wonder how your arm doesn’t just fall off.

You love getting into things, especially in the bathroom. Today you flushed 2 facecloths and a maxi pad down the toilet and guess what happened? The water came overflowing and this probably made you SUPER EXCITED because well, it’s water.

I wish I could be in your world where these things brought me so much joy, I admire that about you. For me though, I feel exhausted. Exhausted because I feel like I put out 1000 tiny fires all day long every single day. And it can become brutally exhausting. And if I am being completely honest, sometimes I get upset because SOMETIMES my mind thinks “this is not how it should be”.

Today you watched me cry as I fixed the toilet (thankfully) and then cleared out the bathroom of all the things you can flush down the toilet. “this is not how it should be”.

BUT IT IS.

It is this way. And it might always be this way. That is heavy for your mommy. Not because I want to change you, but because I just wish it could be easier. I wish I didn’t feel like I am constantly competing in a race that I never trained for.

In my sadness, you came over to me and gave me a kiss and said “mama sad”. I told you yes, mama is sad, but it’s ok. Mama will be ok and Talan is ok. You gave me another kiss and I just told you how much I love you.

Sometimes I feel like I have this all under control, while other times I am crying while plunging a toilet while water is overflowing onto my bathroom floor. I may not always like it. But there is a season for everything. A season full of heartache and lessons. A season of growth and joy.

Our season might be a hard one right now, but I promise you it will be OK.

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